This isn’t my first rodeo

The reason I’m writing a Stampede newsletter in June is because it’s a well known fact that during the Greatest Show on Earth, 50% of the population will be far away from here, and the other 52% will be deeply ensconced in discussing the meaning of life in some loud honky tonk bar in downtown Calgary, as will I.

So now that I have your attention, I would like to discuss the merits of mediocrity.

In styling a home.

Now that the dust has settled (literally) on a long winter, and spring has bypassed us yet again, it may be time to survey the Ponderosa with more than one eye open.

Besides, if you never try anything new, you can never fail.

If y’all are completely flamboozzled on how to style your home – or even what styling is – you need to know that you have to get the best posse in town, because there are a few out there that couldn’t drive a nail into a snow bank.

You know the type…faded blue jeans, pearl button shirts, worn-at-the-heel cowboy boots, wearing hats with sweat lines, and driving rusty pick-me-up trucks with a couple of dented bumpers.

“Just ’cause you’re following a well-marked trail don’t mean that whoever made it knew where they were goin’.” – Texas Bix Bender

Don’t gamble on your establishment looking like an envelope without an address on it.

Given most of you have lived in your home so long, there are probably things you no longer even see…things suggesting an element of brooding malcontent.

Many will say that they have an eye, good taste, definite opinions, and they like things done well, but still wouldn’t have a clue where to begin, second-guessing themselves.

You don’t have to spend a fortune for good design. People think they are buying good looks. What they discover is that they get more than that. When a space functions well, it enhances your life. Think value not price.

As Kafka, the patron saint of self-criticism, said, “There’s only one thing certain. That is one’s own inadequacy”.

I do have to tell you, though, that my biggest excitement today (and I am using the term loosely, so this should really be an indicator of how little is going on with me), is discovering that the word cenosillicaphobia means the fear of an empty glass.

Oh, the times I could have used it – at bar-b-ques, pancake breakfasts, hanging around the peanut bowl at cocktail parties, and the like.

If only I could pronounce it.

One thing is fo’ sure – updated kitchens bring one of the highest returns on investment, and they may end up being the deal-maker or deal-breaker whenever it comes time to sell. This is one room you want to deck out in its best finery. After all, you spend an inordinate amount of time in it, unless you order in a lot of Mexican.

Kitchens are pricey to redecorate or rebuild, so they rarely receive annual overhauls or frequent up-dates, even when they deserve them. Consequently, these rooms can slip into a time warp that echoes the era when the home was originally built or when you moved in.

Granite or quartz work surfaces can really eat into the budget (I don’t advise installing granite or quartz countertops if the cabinets are dated), so in order you don’t have to rob a bank, there are tons of attractive laminates as a less expensive alternative.

Backsplash tile is the jewelry in a kitchen. Installing new backsplash tile is the best area to give punch to a kitchen. It’s a relatively small area, so this is where you can splurge to make the kitchen look more expensive, as well as updating and pulling colours together.

Simple and less costly updates are to update the cabinet hardware or install a statement faucet.

Not since the 1980’s have we seen this degree of popularity for gold-toned bath faucets, lamps, light fixtures, and doorknobs. In the ’80s it leaned toward polished brass, and now the gold tones are ranging beautifully towards a soft bronze-gold. This emerging trend may leave the popular silver and brushed nickel metals in the dust.

“If you’re riding’ ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it’s still there.” – Will Rogers

Your ace in the pocket in styling your kitchen is to keep small appliances tucked away. 

One of life’s little embarrassments is the Sunshine Ceiling.

For me, that’s right up there with screen doors, deep-fried anchovies, and over-ripe tomatoes. Not in that order.

Lose the sunshine ceiling and and light up the kitchen properly with adjustable pot lights, and if you don’t already have it – under cabinet lighting. Essential.

Oh, and Popcorn Ceilings.

I quote: “It’s dingy, if it’s not painted it fades, and it can get stained easily and especially if you have any water damage, it can start flaking off; it attracts cobwebs, dirt, and soot, and it’s just one of the ugliest things I’ve ever seen.” – Jim McCue, owner of Professional Drywall Services.

Removing the popcorn ceiling is one of the best improvements you can do to any home. You can quote me. After all, this isn’t my first rodeo.

Another bane of my existence are unframed, fraying posters curling at the corners and hanging onto the wall for dear life. If you can’t bear to part with your beloved posters, mount them in a deep frame so the character of those well-worn corners comes through, but the overall look is polished.

No matter how much or how little space you have, there’s always room for style.

Make your home the “Greatest Indoor Show on Earth.” It’s a one shot go for broke performance.

Call me.

I mean it.

– Karyn ‘Dead Eye’ Elliott,

Notorious Stylist of Fine Mercantile Establishments

‘”There’s two theories to a arguing with a woman. Neither one works.” – Will Rogers

It is worth noting that my blog has been read by a decreasing audience since it’s inception in 2001.