| Research has shown that the vast majority of blogs are boring. Clearly there’s an immense demand for boring blogs.I say—give the people what they want. I have been blogging for an indeterminate amount of years. Basically, because it gives me less time to observe people and discuss their shortcomings in a group setting, and secondly, I don’t have to get out of my jammies and make small talk. You’ve got to keep your feet on the ground, right? Blogging is seemingly a pursuit for adults who presumably have something worth saying, so they can record it more perfectly in public. And I mean this in the best possible way.We are social beings. We like to read about people that like what we like, and about people who don’t like what we don’t like. This social aspect comes in handy when conversation stalls at a cocktail party. Reading blogs is a great activity for socially awkward people, as well as a relaxing, fun and beneficial way to spend a couple of minutes after a complex full-body workout. In light of this, I did a considerable amount of research an hour ago about how to grow my audience from “I don’t know”, to a handful more each year. |
| Here’s what they said:Write posts that would reproduce well on a cocktail napkin. In other words, refrain from writing long entries like describing a woman exiting a freeway or a synopsis of weird salad recipes from South Carolina. |
| Give them a quick read so they can visit for 8 seconds and then get on with their day. The human brain is tricky like that. It’s part of its defence mechanism to let go of some information to make room for other, more pertinent data, like what ingredients they need for their salad. |
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| Be Original and Kreative. A lot of online readers are easily distracted by shiny objects and emails coming in about Nicholas Cage’s movies, ranked from not good to worst. |
| Ask them to listen to soft jazz, rather than pop hits that encourage them to sing along to the lyrics. |
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| Skillfully deliver very annoying characters, so they can’t stop thinking about how they are like characters from books they once enjoyed reading as a small child. |
| Include politically correct pictures. |
| Remember to remain aloof and disconnected. And DO NOT read online comments or listen to what other people think about what you blogged. (Like the one I received yesterday. “There is no power on earth, or money, that could make me read this unless I was both sedated and in a straitjacket.”) |
| Place emphatic words of a sentence at the end. Like “Aha!”. |
| Avoid office politics. Especially if you want to boost your social life. |
| Encourage them to look up any words they don’t know in a large, hard-bound dictionary that strains their wrists just from holding it. |
| Include a murder investigation every so often to liven things up. |
| Minimize flashing effects as they have a negative impact on the quality of their reading session. |
| Remember, the only thing you need from your audience is applause. Maybe money. |
| But sometimes, harsh rules and rigidity can cause people to lose enthusiasm. So, I think you should cut yourself some slack every now and then. 1. Give up on a blog if you’re not enjoying it after the first 20 seconds. (If only I could have done that with a few relationships.) Statistics report that 40% of people go doggedly to the end, like a bad marriage. A mistake. |
| 2. Make it fun by choosing the emoticon matching your emotional state at the end of each reading session with an app.3. Read it in an alternate location or with a different drink. Example. Maui with a Mai Tai. |
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| 4. Turn it into a competition if that’s what it takes. Because that’s what makes you unique and special. You know I’m not a fan of sincerity.5. Have a diet that does not lack in important nutrients so it does not diminish your ability to focus. Simple carbohydrates and refined sugars will always make you feel better. But be extremely rigid about breakfast foods – Everybody Must Get Sconed. 6. Adjust your reading position. Posture plays a significant role. |
| 7. Drink as much coffee as you want. There is no question about it. Coffee is an amazing drink. It has a plethora of benefits for our bodies and minds. Caffeine, that magical substance.8. Bribe yourself. A reward/consequence system like a piece of chocolate every 20 seconds. Or a nice bubble bath at the end? Adopt airport rules and have a drink at 9 AM. Anything. As long as it keeps you going. Bartender…! |
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| Signed, Miss Spellings P.S. This blog would’ve been shorter if I had more time. |
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