| This year and once again, allow me to wax rhapsodic as I present my annual attempt at trying to help you through the minefield of a holiday we lovingly refer to as Valentine’s Day. A day we show love and appreciation for the special one in our life by saying – “Happy, what? Oh crap. I’ll be right back.” |
| That’s not to say that the only ones that forget Valentine’s Day are necessarily philanderers. Some of us are only thinking about cheating. Paradoxically, and with a straight face. February is pegged as the month of romance…idling over a candlelight dinner, proffering an envelop with a $10 Starbucks gift card, and reading sonnets. So why is Valentine’s Day in February? Why this month? Maybe because it is usually very cold and low football season. |
According to my exhaustive research, there is a particular formula to follow when ascertaining the amount one should spend on that special someone’s Valentine’s Day present.
Simply take their monthly salary, subtract the cost of yearly medical expenses, divide this by the weekly food bill, and multiply the remainder by the number of days left until Valentine’s Day. Then throw that number out and go down to the nearest gas station to find out what they’re charging for a small bag of red licorice. This is what you have to work with.
And the world is divided between those who pursue breakfast and those who don’t.
| Current relationship status. Made dinner for two. Ate both. I. Holiday factoid: According to legend, it was common to sign Valentine cards with the salutation, “From your Valentine“, an expression that is still used today, but not in prison. II. Holiday factoid: According to the 1978 Canadian census, 91% of Valentines cards (priced at colorful prices known as “insane”), many with Cupid floating around in fresh diapers with loaded arrows, are sold out 2 days before Valentine’s Day. This is probably part of an evil, coordinated plot hatched by the (NGB), notorious guilt bombers, whose evil plans is to empty the shelves just to spite last minute losers. Cause why accomplish things early when you can do them late? another startlingly statistic: For every 100 single women in their 30’s, there are 59 single guys, many of them without a criminal record. For every 100 single women in their 60’s, there are only 33 single men. But thankfully, the curve begins to flatten, because for every 100 single women over the age of 100, 100% of single guys are dead. |
| Here’s another startlingly statistic: For every 100 single women in their 30’s, there are 59 single guys, many of them without a criminal record. For every 100 single women in their 60’s, there are only 33 single men. But thankfully, the curve begins to flatten, because for every 100 single women over the age of 100, 100% of single guys are dead. III. Holiday factoid: Most homes have an average of 19.3 boxes of half eaten boxes of cherry covered chocolates, some dating back to their early ‘20s. I know, I look in their closets. Not even remotely compelling. |
IV. Holiday factoid:
The average Canadian consumes 88.18 pounds of saccharine trappings every year. Which means that if St. Valentine were to get dipped in dark organic chocolate, 7 random Canadians would actually have eaten his weight inadvertently.
Not that this is information you actually need.
V. Holiday factoid:
A red stapler is not a “heartsy” Valentines gift, a decision referred to by many geologists, as “rock stupid.” It is advised to “Put your heart into it.”, as opposed to other organs in the body.
This also goes for those cliche chocolate-covered strawberries dressed in tuxedos. It’s February, people. Strawberries are not in season, and THEY DO NOT WEAR CLOTHES.
VI. Holiday factoid:
Subtle hints and reminders are most effective when your partner actually pays attention to what you’re saying.
| VII. Holiday factoid: I didn’t have to make up anything in the previous VI paragraphs. And we wonder why no one claims the making of crop circles. Lady-In-Read |
| Signed. Sealed. Delivered. I’m yours. |
I’m at work and laughing so loud other employees are going to wonder…….
Keep it funny!!