| There may be people for whom New Year’s Resolutions are kept for longer than three sessions in the gym, but I assume these people become nuclear physicists, pro Frisbee players, or heads of state. But for most of us, it’s a comically ineffective tool for changing course, as we convince ourself that we will definitely keep all our self-promises, and even sort of mean it. However, our Future Self has its own over-enthusiams and it will conduct itself as it sees fit: something like complicated wallpaper, eager to entertain, but all too frequently unable to oblige. We humans tend to be optimistic in the face of real evidence. I once read in National Esquire that 156,000,000 people give up on their self-betterment adventure by the middle of New Year’s Day brunch. I mean, even Bridget Jones was a fail. |
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After all, the road to failure is paved with good intentions. Which brings me to mine. First, I thought I would be more sucessful if I started on February 1 (in order to avoid the January rush). So far, it’s working. |
| To confess, over the past hundred years, my heroic efforts have gone notably awry, and with lightning speed. For example, one year my New Year’s Resolution was to become a better hugger. A good hug is a wonderful thing, and I’d always felt awkward about them. The year was 2020, and I think we all know how that went. |
| Then there was the year where I was determined to absolutely lose 10 pounds by Feb. 29. There was no Feb. 29 that year. |
| Then my vow to not have any ‘Made by Marcus” vegan mandarin olive oil and black misson ice cream for a year. That one was sucessful. |
So this year, I reckoned that instead of wasting my precious time on 2023 intentions, I’m going to do the exact opposite. Make a Don’t-Do List. |
| First off, in that I’ve spent a good amount of my time recently sulking, I thought I could give that up. |
| Secondly, not to buy clothes retail. This can probably work, except at Aritzia. Because somehow you can breathe in that store and accidentally spend $150. Also, if I’m invited to the Oscars, which probably lets me off the hook anyways, as I wouldn’t go unless I could sit next to Meryl Streep. |
So here’s my DO NOT list. You are free to help yourself to any of these. Become fluent in conversational Portuguese Sponge paint my bathroom walls Eliminate carbs after 6 p.m Exercise every day instead of doing the exact opposite Run the New York City marathon Dress up, be charming, and have clean hair Know the three letter code for major airports Put socks into pairs Go to bed at a reasonable hour Eat two less pieces of pizza at a sitting Find the elusive bulb causing the lights not to work on my Christmas tree Hiking (I’m an adult, I have a drivers license) Floss every day |
| Take a deep breath and tell me your Triumph of Hope over Experience. Get it off your chest and into my inbox. I won’t divulge identities and I won’t judge. Much. |
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