| Before giving my deep and meaningful decorating advice (not that you asked), I would like to take this opportunity to thank you for signing up to my newsletter (or at least being polite enough not to delete your address), because I assure you I do not take this support lightly. It’s a very big deal to me. Don’t believe me? Every time the submit button is pressed, a buzzer goes off in my office and the entire team can hear it. In fact, there it goes again. My office manager just gave a whoop and the stock boy did a push-up. I don’t know why, but for some reason he does a push-up each time the buzzer goes off. And now Garret, the accountant, just ran outside and gave a hug to some old lady walking by. I’m pretty sure he also tried to kiss her. She didn’t seem to mind, thankfully. I’m also fairly certain I just saw Tina, the draftsperson, take a shot of vodka. I have no idea why she’s drinking at work, but hey, the kid’s excited whenever someone signs up. Is she pouring another one? Oh crap, I have to go stop her… Okay, I’m back. Well, I didn’t just write to tell you about my team’s impulsive and erratic responses (some of them being one string short of a full marionette), but to also let you know that every word and picture is designed to inspire you to live an epic life devoid of an eternal sense of existential unease and mismatched pillows. If it doesn’t, don’t let me know how you feel. |
| Now…my deep and meaningful decorating advice. By the way this takes about 37 minutes to cover, but mostly it will centre on how I am doing at any given moment. |
| First of all, you will be pleased that I have not mentioned the “C” word once, given we are still living this quotidian life where there has ceased to be a difference between awake clothes and sleep clothes, or the corollary, putting on a cardigan over your pyjamas constitutes “dressing up”. |
So here are my secret 58 foolproof expert tips to take your decorating to the next level.
They are handpicked and full-coloured with annotations, complete with a mix of unique ancillary content including woodcuts and sketches, and an Academy Award acceptance speech.
| Now there’s a couple of things to keep in mind before you proceed. 1. After reading these tips, they are to be typed out in a largely indecipherable cursive font and displayed in a prominent area, constant reminders of what you are still doing wrong. 2. Always have a vase of fresh flowers somewhere in your home next to a glass of wine – and don’t worry about the budget. It will sort itself out in a few years. |
| 3. Trust your gut with wild abandon, even if it whispers “you are nuts” in your ear – and even though the colours you picked tend to look like a toddler’s finger painting. It may work out. |
| 4. It can help to binge-watch decorating shows and download apps, as long as they never mention astrological signs. |
| 5. And lastly, find a mate that is good at most, or all, the essential decorating skills you lack. Together, you should be adequate. |
| Oops. Sorry, gotta go. I just heard a few more “submits”. I’ll get to the tips later. |
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