Over the last twenty and counting years, I have been perusing your personal space, leaving no drawer unopened, so I thought it only fair that I released a bit of my personal information, except the delicate contents of my underwear drawer.

This overture may run the gamut of superficial, to deeply personal, to the huge turning points in my private life.

I overheard someone say, while sitting in a bar the other night, that these self-disclosures play a key role in forming strong relationships, boost empathy, build trust, and is a powerful way to handle social media criticism. 

Yes, I know there are risks. And it’s not always straightforward. So this will be a brief, personal recollection for the purposes of historical clarity. Not for publication.

Here it goes. I am not that old and relatively well-adjusted. I used to enjoy watching baseball and other things on television. I like gambling and am extremely wealthy. I enjoy films and music of all kinds. I like many different kinds of food and desserts, including breakfast. I hate the cold and own many warm garments. I like people who are un-complicatedly happy, have a half-baked sense of humour, and don’t use puns in sentences. When my concentration is threatened, I dispense with contractions. And no member of my family is “known” by the police.

One may note that If you give a writer enough free time (and confinement), they’re eventually going to go mad and find a way to express themselves questionably.

Over the decades wobbly wandering this planet, I have picked up a smattering of invaluable life experiences and non-essential information. I felt it only right to share some of them with you. Again, not that you asked.

1. When you come to a fork in the road, take it. It might be the one missing from your silverware set.

2. Don’t use bleach to get red wine stains off a white wall in your living room. This happened to me the other day and was odd for many reasons, one of them being that the wine in question had been drunk in my bedroom. (This is a coping mechanism I’ve developed after years of being devastatingly single and not having that one person to run to with everything that ails me. That’s what a relationship is for right? Please advise.)

3. Neutrals, from café au lait to camel, create a cozy atmosphere and bring a sense of sanctuary. They diffuse the stresses of the world, offer restoration, balance, and the subversive and consoling joy of not using a colour wheel.

4. The end goal isn’t just to own less stuff. The end goal is to live a satisfied, deep, and more intentional life focused on things that actually matter – like happier employees and gaining more followers on Tooter and Facebrick.

5. Overcoming the pull of carbohydrates consumerism is a difficult challenge regardless of our stage in life.

6. When bored with someone you are with at a restaurant, say: “Excuse me, I have to go to the bathroom.” Politely excuse yourself. Don’t mention the bathroom is at the gas station, ten miles down the road.

7. As Justice Potter Stewart said of pornography, most of us know poor taste when we see it.

8. Dress up, be charming, and have clean hair.

9. And no matter what, always wear comfortable pants.
 

Before giving my deep and meaningful decorating advice (not that you asked), I would like to take this opportunity to thank you for signing up to my newsletter (or at least being polite enough not to delete your address), because I assure you I do not take this support lightly. It’s a very big deal to me. Don’t believe me? Every time the submit button is pressed, a buzzer goes off in my office and the entire team can hear it. In fact, there it goes again. My office manager just gave a whoop and the stock boy did a push-up. I don’t know why, but for some reason he does a push-up each time the buzzer goes off. And now Garret, the accountant, just ran outside and gave a hug to some old lady walking by. I’m pretty sure he also tried to kiss her. She didn’t seem to mind, thankfully. I’m also fairly certain I just saw Tina, the draftsperson, take a shot of vodka. I have no idea why she’s drinking at work, but hey, the kid’s excited whenever someone signs up. Is she pouring another one? Oh crap, I have to go stop her…  Okay, I’m back. Well, I didn’t just write to tell you about my team’s impulsive and erratic responses (some of them being one string short of a full marionette), but to also let you know that every word and picture is designed to inspire you to live an epic life devoid of an eternal sense of existential unease and mismatched pillows. If it doesn’t, don’t let me know how you feel.

Now…my deep and meaningful decorating advice. By the way this takes about 37 minutes to cover, but mostly it will centre on how I am doing at any given moment.

First of all, you will be pleased that I have not mentioned the “C” word once, given we are still living this quotidian life where there has ceased to be a difference between awake clothes and sleep clothes, or the corollary, putting on a cardigan over your pyjamas constitutes “dressing up”.

So here are my secret 58 foolproof expert tips to take your decorating to the next level.

They are handpicked and full-coloured with annotations, complete with a mix of unique ancillary content including woodcuts and sketches, and an Academy Award acceptance speech.

Now there’s a couple of things to keep in mind before you proceed. 1. After reading these tips, they are to be typed out in a largely indecipherable cursive font and displayed in a prominent area, constant reminders of what you are still doing wrong. 2. Always have a vase of fresh flowers somewhere in your home next to a glass of wine – and don’t worry about the budget. It will sort itself out in a few years.

3. Trust your gut with wild abandon, even if it whispers “you are nuts” in your ear – and even though the colours you picked tend to look like a toddler’s finger painting. It may work out.

4. It can help to binge-watch decorating shows and download apps, as long as they never mention astrological signs.

5. And lastly, find a mate that is good at most, or all, the essential decorating skills you lack. Together, you should be adequate.

Oops. Sorry, gotta go. I just heard a few more “submits”. I’ll get to the tips later.

Ordinarily at this time of year, many of you would be away or looking forward to getting away; taking a trip somewhere new and rejuvenating. But with travel plans on hold, you may finally have the opportunity to take a different sort of journey: one of self-congratulations and self-recognition…for your life as a REAL ESTATE AGENT.

Yes, Real-a-tors,This Is Your Life and career…with a little help from buyers and sellers.

As the host, I offer you a sort of career biography, citing some illustrious day-to-day events, a little encapsulation of the trials and tribulations in the life of a real estate agent.

1. Forgetting to bring a chair to your vacant Open House – and a big bag of cookies. (But Open Houses do give you that much needed alone time.) …and where the smoke detector keeps chirping.

2. Finding out that your socks don’t match when you take your shoes off to show a house. 3. Continually answering the question: “So, how many days a week do you work?” 4. Selling a property where the neighbour’s front lawn looks like there’s always a yard sale and the grass is tall enough to be a hiding spot for a five-year-old.

5. Wondering what to say when your seller believes they have staged their home to sell.

6. Lowering the radio music when looking for the street address so you can see better.

7. Entering the lockbox code on your microwave after a long day. And even worse, when you thought you were buying organic vegetables, you got home only to discover they’re just regular donuts.

8. The owner wanting you to include every little detail about their house in the listing description.…Umm, the 37-year-old brick fireplace isn’t gonna sell the place. A hole in the roof is not a skylight and no, you can’t list the litter box as a third bathroom.

9. Hearing yet again, “Yes, I know what all the comps say, but my house is SPECIAL.“

10. Giving a big thank you to weekends and evenings for understanding that there is no time for them now that you’re in real estate.

11. And thanking your car for being:an officefiling cabinetstorage unit and occasional dining room and bedroom.

Over the years, “organized”, seemed to be my most defining characteristic. Like I was a minor celebrity with this one claim to fame. In fact, some might say, I am extraordinarily well-organized.

For example, if you wanted to know where my Allen key is, I could tell you. In the attic, in an orange shoe box labelled “Allen Key”, third from the left, second row from the back, behind the cardboard boxes and bags of baby clothes to be given away someday.

Some of us continue to struggle with the problem of too much stuff…sleeping in a box. Grazing on the shelves. Camped in the closet. Crammed under a bed.    We hang on to it, showing desultory interest, vowing to “someday” deal with the clutter. Someday. High on optimism, low on reality. Every so often we ask ourselves, “Why are these things still around?”, “Why haven’t I gotten rid of them?”, and “Should I still be swiping on dating apps?” Then one day, we realize:I made this in summer camp when I was ten.I’m not into diatonic harmonicas or egg cups with tiny squirrels along the top anymore.I can’t wear this shoe without it’s mate.My cat is scared of it.The mold on the paper makes it too hard to read.This treadmill is just too exhausting.I’m sure I will use that Q-tip one day.I will never grown basil in that window box.There’s too much dust on it to know what is.This table is not “distressed”, it’s screaming for help.I don’t want to, which is the best reason not to do a lot of things.

Excess is the sign of fear of scarcity. Holding onto things can also be a way of keeping our spirits up and having a sense of control when faced with uncertainties, angst, and emotional trauma, such as this pandemic-fuelled exodus.

Being sequestered in our home for the last 756,659 days, means that clutter built up over the years is now probably constantly in view, or else falling out when we open our closet doors.

In these past few months, we have become at one with our homes, and realized that things we’d been putting up for years would no longer do, especially now that we had to deal with them multiple times a day. Or look for them.

By the way, if someone doesn’t invent a prototype during this quarantine for a see-through toaster so we can see when the toast is toasted, then honestly…

We are more comfortable with predictability and what we know, and it’s stressful to be in a situation of restraint in our homes and our lives.

It is so much easier doing the same thing over and over, even when it no longer serves us, is making us miserable, or is not getting us closer to our goal. We get attached to the way we do things, and to the things we have.

When we align ourselves with the counter-cultural approach of less, we alleve ourselves from the constant tugging of the pursuit of more.

But when we finally do get around to the non-delegation of decluttering, there will literally be a physical change in us. It’s like a release of pent-up frustration and there’s real freedom in that. It will truly be a breath of fresh air.

Okay, I have to run now.

Ummm…I forgot. 

Okay, I’ll just go catch up on chores by laundering all my sneakers.
 

Welcome to the summer of 2020, virtual and distanced – still. There is no substitute for face-to-face interaction. But we have to find comfort where we can, and since mid-March, it has been mostly with, and inside our home.   But really, most of us were probably spending time with some people for no truly identifiable reason – and not spending enough time putting socks back into pairs. Our concept of home as sanctuary changed overnight via the pandemic hit. What we once considered as normal home time, abruptly altered. So, as always, new circumstances create new challenges. On top of that, our home, once considered a refuge from the world, now offered little solace from the social, economic and political unrest raging around the globe. Whereas once we railed against FOMO, Fear of Missing Out, we were now forced to instantaneously shift to FOGO, Fear of Getting Out.  Now, more than ever, we needed a soothing, calming haven, a bulwark against the uncertainties and upheavals of the outside world.   Fortunately for me, I rolled into this scary pandemic without much of a social life, so my strategy so far has been to continue not having much of a social life. It’s been a pretty smooth transition. I also had no idea how much Tupperware had been missing from my life.   But the most disorienting thing of all, is that our home now has to serve so many purposes and activities…Zoom calls, reading and thinking space, hours on the computer, homeschooling, children underfoot, a yoga and exercise studio, Doritos and wine storage…the list goes on. We have to now balance activity with privacy and introspection.  How do we do this?   Number One: The best way, and for purposes of historical clarity, is to rearrange and/or eliminate pieces of non-essential furniture and belongings for instant, easy access to more space for living and working every day. (Look for this extremely long sentence to be emblazoned on T-shirts everywhere.) What really matters is whether it’s just enough (and not too much) for you. Determine your list of “must-haves”, then narrow down your stuff to match it.  Most of what we think we want is superfluous. Really, our needs are remarkably simple. In other words, when things aren’t adding up in life, start subtracting.   Number Two: An intelligent use of mirrors can make any room feel larger than its physical dimensions, bringing in more light, and maybe even reflecting the outdoors.   Number Three: Large landscape paintings or photographs can offer virtual windows within otherwise boxed-in places.

Number Four: Lighting. Light and its shadows reflect moods, and are achieved with the mindful placement of dimmable light fixtures and lamps focused on walls, ceilings and surfaces, spreading and softening light, without the harsh glare. For example, a floor or table lamp pooling soft light beside a comfortable armchair, is a refuge from sensory and mental overload. Number Five: Practice social distancing from the refrigerator and overcoming the pull of carbohydrates.  To be a true sanctuary and ally, make your home as personal as possible. Do what works for you and what you love. And make space for your new hobbies. Like screaming into a pillow.  While the latest (white and grey!) trend may be visually stunning, don’t necessarily adopt it and others wholesale. Think if it reflects your character, values, and cleaning cravings.  Believe in yourself, despite all evidence to the contrary. Home should be a place that reflects and serves who you genuinely are and how you want to live.  Keep your eye on the prize, accept things as they are, and apply what you’ve learned over the years from watching mobster shows and movies.

Miss Piggy Mantras That Everyone Should Follow

As the old saying goes, never work with children, animals, stem cells, or distressed tables. Well, I have worked with some of them and have a nervous tic to prove it.My career in interior design continues, but the last few years have also given way to intermittently write about interior design, because as Shakespeare once said, “the pen is mightier than the paint palette”. Life has a wonderful way of chucking opportunities at you, generally when you’re at your most hungover, and you’d be mad to pass them by. And I plan to continue writing even more whenever I can find the appropriate writing attire and colour-coordinated pens.

Just as Architectural Digest has been my muse magazine for decades, Miss Piggy, the most independent and inspirational pig I know, has served as model and guiding genius for just as long.

As some background, Miss Piggy grew up as a pulchritudinous pig on a farm in Hog Springs, Iowa. Her father died in a tragic tractor accident when she was young, and her mother wasn’t that nice to her. She had to enter beauty contests to survive, as many single women do…and she was forced to pose for ads. Including one for bacon. It’s a time that she prefers not to speak of, although she insists that she never took her clothes off for a job.  She does thank her parents for giving her bus fare. Otherwise she still would be living on the farm. Her words of wisdom are sharp and to-the-point. In all honesty, can anyone really ignore Miss Piggy’s epicurean deportment, astute observations and point-on advice?

Like some of us, she admits that there was a time when she wafted in the winds of every trend. And like us, it resulted in some extremely unfortunate run-ins and cringe-worthy mistakes. Tile countertops, rag-rolled/stencilled/sponged walls and furniture, wood panelling, carpeted bathrooms, popcorn ceilings, screen doors, heavy drapery, wallpaper borders, mirrored walls, ruffly floral bedding, fake floral arrangements, futons and…”slightly more masculine faucets”, which is a phrase I heard on HGTV and had to save for reasons I can’t yet fully convey.

Some may shudder at these, and others wonder why they are on the “Bad Design Trends” list, but you can take solace with Miss Piggy’s dictum, saying if you’re happy with how it looks, don’t worry about pleasing others— because it’s not as if their opinion actually matters.

Taken with pound of salt, I remind myself that she started the unenduring trend of pink. Not only does she wear pink most of the time, but can honestly say she’s been pink since the day she was born.

Sometimes when doing a project I question myself, but then I remember her astute words: “Style comes in all shapes and sizes. Style is about expressing your inner self, capturing ethos, and most importantly, spending someone else’s money.” And to use a lot of French phrases, like “moi”.

As an aside, if I had to choose one style icon besides Miss Piggy, I’d have to say Audrey Hepburn. Not only did she look good in pearls, but she also came up with the fabulous idea of having breakfast at Tiffany’s. Without her, I never would have thought of having meals in a jewelry store.

Piggy has always believed in highlighting her best features by any means possible. Transposed to a house, this could be large windows, a great view, stupendous fireplace, high ceilings, an antique chandelier —whatever you want, you can achieve with the right orientation, good lighting, and when all else fails, post-production design help.

Miss Piggy is never one for being part of the crowd: “I am a pig. And as a pig, I have always stood out.”

So know your strengths, likes and dislikes, and go “Fabulousity with a dash of irresistibility and a great big dollop of attitude. True glamorositude.”

Like Miss Piggy, I am often asked if it Is it better to give or to receive. From personal experience, moi has learned that it is better to receive. But for the sake of appearances, I’d have to say it’s better to give – my opinions, my colour choices, and my phone number.

Like Miss P., I’m quick, I’m intelligent, I’m curious, I’m inspiring, I’m strong — look at those muscles! — and I’ve got a sense of humour and a passion for moving things up and down stairs. And I’m uniquely fashion-forward.

As moi says, “Designer, de better.”

Most successful blogs have a memorable beginning, a big finish, and not much in between, reminding me of a commencement speech given by humorist Art Buchwald at Georgetown University.He said, “Graduates, we the older generation are leaving you a perfect world, so don’t louse it up.”  And then he sat down. Given I have had a lifelong love of listening to my own voice, I propose to fill up the middle part, but you are welcome to skip to the big finish if you’re in a hurry. Today, I’d like to talk about the importance of staring out the window and doing nothing – except maybe chatting to your cat and the occasional inanimate object, or thinking about not doing sit-ups, or wondering what you are going to eat next  …and chairs.

Henry David Thoreau at Waldon Pond had 3 chairs: one for solitude, two for friendship, and three for society.  He was prepared for sitting. Not sitting and doing something. But just sitting – in silence and solitude. Which, most of us are probably getting quite good at, or very tired of, about now.

We tend to reproach ourselves or others for staring out the window. We are supposed to be working, on ZOOM calls, or organizing our wine bottles in alphabetical order. In other words, GettingThingsDone.  Staring off into space seems the definition of wasted time and purposeless, producing nothing concrete. We tend to equate it with boredom, laziness, and futility.

The Dutch call this staring off into space, “niksen”, which closely translates as “nothing-ing”. But niksen means being intentional about doing nothing. You must be idle, just be. Our hyper-busy, striving, work-consumed culture does not generally condone, nor praise or encourage, daydreaming. Practising “nothing-ing” has been shown to enhance imagination and creativity, gain clarity, restore, make us calmer and more productive, and maybe less judgmental when your partner doesn’t vacuum all of the dog hair off the couch. Niksen may sound easy at first glance (it’s not), but I want to make the argument that you can be more successful at it if you are sitting in a great chair.  (It’s not really an argument, I just wanted to talk about chairs, and I couldn’t think of another way in.)

As far as I’m concerned, there are really are two important decisions in a person’s life: choosing a mate and buying a comfortable chair. If that seems like an overstatement, you just haven’t found the right mate.

Writer/diarist May Sarton spent her life writing, presumably in a chair, maintains that any house that does not have at least one comfy chair, is soulless. The Shakers would add to this, given their design dictum is “Do not make something unless it is both necessary and useful; but if it is both necessary and useful; do not hesitate to make it beautiful.”

When we call a chair beautiful, really what we’re saying is that we like the way of life it is suggesting to us. It has an attitude to which we are attracted to: if it was magically turned into a person, we’d like who it was.

A good chair should and can, embody a lot in one small package: engineering, beauty, materials, practicality, but most of all, imagination. Nothing pulls at the heartstrings and hamstrings more than a good chair. More than the marriage of form and function, it can rise to the level of art. Some of the most iconic chairs indeed, stand the test of time, but some are not all that comfortable. Which is why one should take this information sitting down. Most famously, the Hans Wegner “Papa Bear” chair is said to be “The Most Comfortable” by a long shot. It is an absolute perfect cradle. Once you sit in it, you may never want to get up.

Then there is the infamous Le Corbusier “Grand Confort” which was presented in 1929 at the Salon ‘Automne in Paris. It is as beautiful today as it ever was – essentially a throne for regular people.

My all time favourite is Saarinen’s Womb Chair designed in 1948. It has such a sense of sanctuary, security and glamour. Light and luxurious. On my Christmas list since 1948.

Arne Jacobsen’s ‘Egg” chair (1958), another fav, is a cosy cocoon of privacy, said to be inspired by Saarinen’s “Womb chair”. 

The Eames “LCW” (Lounge Chair Wood) is the iPhone of design. The chair world was never the same after Ray and Charles Eames put this on the market. Iconic – sexy, stylish and comfortable. If there was if there were a “Tolkien-esque “one chair to rule them all,” it would be the Eames Lounger – a cross between a baseball mitt and a bed.

And the Repos chair developed by Vitra and Antonio Citterio (2011). It is supreme swivelling, helping you with the harsh demands of gravity for your morning latte and not pondering life’s intricacies.

I would be remiss if I did not include IKEAS’s best selling iconic Poäng Chair, celebrating its 40th birthday this year. If anyone has not bought, seen, sat in, or passed on one of these chairs, they have been living under a rock, because over 1.5 million are sold annually. It even has its very own emoticon.

So in conclusion, to live your best life, nik regularly without intention – and in a good chair. 

The End. 

“Every act of kindness, every act of goodness, now matters more than you ever thought it mattered before. You turn yourself into an active agent of change, because now it matters.” – Carolyn Myss
 

This is a message that cannot be divorced from this moment in time when we are mourning what Lee Pelton, President of Emerson College, calls “the legalized lynching” of George Floyd. 

This moment is about complicity in systemIc racism that we have always been aware of and haven’t done enough about.

“We’ve got to be as clear-headed about human beings as possible, because we are still each other’s only hope.”  – James Baldwin

The term “upstander” (as opposed to bystander), was coined in 2002 by Samantha Power, who was at the time a human rights advocate and scholar before assuming a role as U.S. Ambassador to the United Nations, in speaking out against genocide.

Respected primatologist, Dr. Jane Goodall is an upstander. She has committed to (via replanting or restoration) 5 million trees this year as part of the 1 Trillion Tree Campaign of UNEP.  At age 85, she is not slowing down because she knows, and has always known, that there is power in every single person doing their part to make the planet a better place.

Although thankfully most of us have probably never even been close to being a victim or perpetrator of genocide, we don’t need the atrocity of genocide to weigh in on whether we can or should help others. 

“An upstander is a person who recognizes injustice, knows their personal strengths,  and uses those strengths to create change.”                                                                   – Canadian Museum for Human Rights

An upstander may speak out publicly against bigotry and injustice.

elson Mandala Exhibit – Canadian Humans Rights Museum

An upstander may help or rescue others through secret or overt actions.

Window washers at the Alberta Children’s Hospital, Calgary

An upstander may provide immediate aid to victims of bigotry and injustice through physical rescue or other help.

1969, when black Americans were still prevented from swimming alongside white Americans.  – Mr. Rogers Neighborhood

An upstander may be a whistle-blower who exposes wrongdoing.

Statue of Mahatma Gandhi in Honolulu, Hawaii

An upstander may resist the temptations of silence and passivity by expressing and offering support directly to victims of bigotry and injustice.

National Civil Rights Museum in Memphis, Tennessee

Discernment is key to every wisdom tradition.  The ability to discern is about sorting out the stuff of life — our experiences, the people we spend time with, and as Toni Morrison writes, eliminating a vacuum where curiosity ought to lodge.  We can ask ourselves: Is this my problem or does it belong to someone else?Is this life-giving for me and those around me or is it death-dealing in ways small or large?Is this something to which I can give myself or must I let it go?

Either do something or do something.  Theodore Roosevelt said that in any moment of decision, the best thing you can do is the right thing, the next best thing is the wrong thing, and the worst thing you can do is nothing. You don’t always need a plan. Sometimes you just need to breathe and put your feelers out. Trust. Let go. And see what happens.

You can’t do it all,  but you can do all that you can do.

We don’t need special gifts or start a mini-revolution to make a difference. It doesn’t have to be great big huge – it can be very small. Just a little bit every day.

Even if it’s something like praying for someone every day.  That is good enough.  Leaving a  pie left on a front porch. That is good enough.  Even the smallest act can make a real difference in somebody’s life.There are many lanes. Are we too busy to cheer a weary soul, give some words of reassurance, or the gift of our welcoming ear? Sr. Simone Campbell, lawyer, nun, poet, and a bit of a religious rock star as the face of the “Nuns on the Bus”, calls this “the walking willing.”

“Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter.”  – Martin Luther King

If we say we don’t have time for things that matter, then we need to stop doing things that don’t. Actions are always louder than words. And so are non-actions. Because if you aim at nothing, you’ll hit it every time.

“We cannot talk about change, we have to be about change.” – L.A. City Council President Nury Martinez

The most important question now is: What are you going to do?

The other day, I was on my walk and it’s raining. Not enough to absolutely need an umbrella, just a constant drizzle that dripped down my hoodie, dampened my mood, and coated my glasses, making things look just a little bit better than they should have been.Just ahead of me, a man stepped out of his building, looked up with a squint, and put his palm out. He stopped me.“Excuse me,” he said. “Is it supposed to be raining today?”“No, it wasn’t supposed to be,” I told him. “But it is.”He nodded, thanked me, and went back inside. Maybe to stay inside, maybe to get an umbrella. Maybe to put on a tux and howl at the refrigerator. I don’t know what the guy does when it rains.

Humans! We look out our windows, and then check our phone app and other humans to verify – “Is what’s happening supposed to be happening?”

As if we could lodge a complaint with The Sky for not coordinating itself with The Weather Channel.


Supposed to…

“Is this bread dough supposed to be turning a yellowish-grey and crumbling?”

“Are we supposed to be working out? It looks exhausting.”

“Am I supposed to be extremely lazy?”

“Is the kitchen, living room and backyard supposed to be the cafe, meeting space, and boardroom?”

“Are you supposed to be able to put your legs behind your head while eating a cupcake?”

We love to be told what we already know.

This is actually a godsend for anyone that makes a living telling people what they already know. Or are supposed to.
 

• That a colour scheme based on mottled liver is not the best choice.
• That sweatpants are the new black. 
• That a snack every three minutes may soon have you on an episode of My 600-lb Life. 
• That your glasses are under the pillow because you fell asleep with them on.
• That scrolling through Instagram is code for procrastination.
• That having full blown conversations with inanimate objects while maybe muted on ZOOM, may not be the best idea.
• That it’s alright to adapt airport rules and have a drink at 9 a.m.

This is great because we don’t have to deliver brand new information every time. We don’t have to come up with another interpretation, create an complex process, or invent a reason why their brownies aren’t rising. Or that 2020 hasn’t been the easiest year.

All we have to do is tell people what we know. And do it in our own way. 

We can tell people what they’ve heard before, what’s staring them right in the face. Literally. There is rain falling on their head, and they want to know, “Is it raining?”

Yesterday I bought a 20 kg bag of flour for $14.99 because it was a good deal. Then I had to order a $50 storage bin to hold it so it wouldn’t spoil. I guess what I’m saying is, I suppose I may not be the best person to hand out information.

You probably knew this. But you wanted me to tell you, right?



Excuse me, but I’m getting ready to not go out. It’s raining.

P.S. Remember, Rapunzel was quarantined and met her future husband, so let’s think positive here.
 

Encompassed with an ever-encroaching case of quarantine brain, I have been spending an inordinate amount of time trolling the internet looking for topic ideas, as my goal is to keep you reasonably happy and under control so we can get on with things. I found one article entitled, “7 Ways to Come Up With Ideas When You Have Nothing to Write About”, but so far all I have come up with is the best ear medication for parakeets, the 1997 tooth whitening epidemic, and the lucrative business of selling snake carcasses. None of which, I am guessing, is of much help. Like E.B. White said, it’s like dissecting a frog: few people are interested and the frog dies of it.

Even if I never come up with anything more stimulating than finding out who holds the world record for the most sticky notes stuck on the body in 30 seconds, I do fall asleep every night feeling my writing is making more of a difference in the world than it ever would by selling hats to iguanas or knitting wool socks for snails. Because when you’re on to something good, why not punish more?  After all, I do want to make my feelings known – and people uncomfortable.

Many say writing is a solitary journey, but I feel it really should be a public performance art done before an audience of as many people as will tolerate it. It’s difficult explaining exactly what I’m doing with my life right now, other than having strangers deliver light fixtures to sites, source king sheets online, and triple explain why there is funny coloured dust on the new countertop via FaceTime. Nevertheless, I want to talk to you about my current perplexing situation, other than where I should put the pizza box because it doesn’t fit in the fridge. Here is it. I have received militant accusations of being gossipy and a somewhat inaccurate author.

My immediate reaction was to give up my citizenship and move to Moldova (when and if they ever let us out of the house). Then I quickly realized that to do that, I would have slower internet and have to spend the rest of my life whittling spoons by a fire. And you know I hate to operate anything more mechanical than a safety pin. Besides, I heard that in Moldava, the local hangover cure is pickle juice. Not interested. But upon further research, I discovered that Moldava’s largest and most revered holiday is National Wine Day and that they want to implement something new – moderate wine consumption. On further thought, this may be my kind of country.

But back to my problem.Regardless of what some litigiousness critics say, I am deeply hurt by these charges.

Because first, as Anne Lamont quipped, if you would have behaved better, I would have spoken more warmly about you and secondly, who of you really knows how to use an ampersand?Still there? Good. I surmise that even at the best of times most people are incapable of distinguishing between last week and the extinction of dinosaurs, never mind comprehending the fact that I wasn’t born in 1607, it isn’t January 74th, or believing all the stuff that happened to me a few years back when I got kind of turned around geographically – okay, lost. Because there are some thatare a few eggs short of a full breakfast, which amplifies the effectiveness of relating the business of resonant, weird, unimportant, and milquetoast ideas (mine) that are unlikely to be found anywhere else.    It’s not like I fail to relate to others and misread social cues, because really, I’m pretty sure that I’m more than a smidge above average.

So I have decided that no matter how off-putting and altogether false these allegations are, I will continue to abide by the secret of all life skills – telling people what they should do.  “But you pretty much wrote about nothing.”, to which I say, “PRECISELY”.  Please accept my thanks in lieu of monetary gifts and have a vegan dark chocolate tonight.