| As you are probably well aware, tomorrow is February 14. It is also Ferris Wheel Day. Probably related to Valentine’s Day. Of course, if you’re single, you can spend tomorrow spreading the word about Singles Awareness Day. Yes, Valentine’s Day can hit us right in the feels. Some have the urge to duck and cover until the day passes. Some eat Rocky Road right out of the carton with a fork. Some spend part of their annual income on flowers, singing telegrams, battery-operated teddy bears and fuzzy socks. And then there are some who wait for National Discounted Chocolate Day. But first things first. I’ve been advised by my very real lawyers that I can’t technically call myself an Advice Columnist. They suggest – Humble Public Service Conduit. Personally, I prefer “Relationship Guru”. The fact that I have a doctorate in literature is mere coincidence. Also, I’m older than most people realize. In light of my impressive credentials, many people over the years have come to me in their time of need, and I’ve dispensed advice to soothe their souls, however harsh — like a discount store, one might say. If my certificate is meaningless to you, rest assured that I am also a Cancerian with the preternatural ability to know things without knowing how I know them, and really that’s all the qualifications anyone should need to tell people how to live their lives. Since I am a sucker for sappy love, I feel no guilt about giving advice on how to navigate this important non-holiday. So as a Relationship Guru, I have chosen, in honour of The Day, to only take questions focusing on LOVE. The big one. That almighty stumper of a question. What is it? Where do I find it? I have lost mine, can I have yours? |
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| Love means you’re always saying you’re sorry. |
| Dear Relationship Guru (RG): I met this guy who at first seemed ideal: outdoorsy, fun-loving, attractive – his butt, the most sculpted thing since Michelangelo made David. But then I learned some things that are giving me second thoughts. It turns out he’s a convicted embezzler.Signed, Bowden Barb Dear Bowden Barb: We all have a past. Don’t worry about it. |
| Stop waiting for your prince on a white horse. Go and find him. The poor man might be lost or stuck on an island or something. |
| Dear RG: I’ve got crushes on hundreds of people but I have never spoken to most of them. Why do I expect a crush to come and find me in my bedroom that I never leave?Signed, Tribe and TrueDear Tribe and True: Excessive crushing is not the problem here. The problem also isn’t with never leaving your bedroom. You don’t have to leave your room to meet people, or make friends, or turn a crush into something more, thanks to the expedient convergence of Snapchat and Twitch. Using these shows that you are open to connections and building solid relationships. |
| Relationships are like a walk in the park. Jurassic Park. |
| Dear RG:I am hung up on someone who lives in Puerto Rico. They have expressed what I would describe as lukewarm feelings bordering on actual feelings. Do I have to cut them off, at least until we’re in the same country again? Signed, Card Wired Dear Card Wired: Yes, long distance romance is gut-wrenchingly difficult even in the same country. However. And this is a big HOWEVER. I do not think your situation will be resolved by being in the same country. This is a deeper transportation issue. My practical advice is this: if you are hung up on this person to the degree that it is interfering with your ability to go to clubs, be charming, and explore new hobbies (romantic or otherwise), then you owe it to yourself to not trade in your Air Miles. |
| A burrito is totally an acceptable life partner, right? |
| Dear RG: I’m as romantic as the next guy, but my wife never seems to appreciate my Valentine’s Day gifts. Every year, I do my best to find my wife something special, but it never fails that I somehow let her down. Is a George Gorman grill, air fryer, or a crock pot such horrible gifts? She seems to love to cook and I love to eat. Am I not, technically, bringing us closer together? Signed, Kitchen CasanovaDear Kitchen Casanova: Although Cupid is a younger, shorter, diaper-wearing version of Santa, I have to tell you, you’re driving the right car, but heading down the wrong road. What you need to do is to pick an inexpensive restaurant and tell her you want to give her a night off. The food definitely won’t compare to what she makes for you on a nightly basis, but you want to show your appreciation. This certainly is a collaborative project that will bring you closer together, as well as fill your tummy. Besides, there is nothing more heart warming than seeing table after table filled with couples who haven’t been out for a nice meal together since last Valentine’s Day. Sentimentality just can’t be faked. |
| Love may be temporary, but memes last forever. |
| Dear RG: How do I get a girl to answer my texts? Signed, TeddyDear Teddy: One of my favorite works of literature said that if you want someone to think about you, leave a photo of yourself in their ham sandwich. I’m sure they will respond next time. |
| Facebook should have a limit on how many times you can change your relationship status. After 3 it should default to “Unstable”. |
| Dear RG: How do I handle Valentine’s Day as a poly person? I have three partners at the moment and want all of them to feel special. But divvying up the day for each feels weird and exhausting. What should I do?Signed, Many ValentinesDear Many Valentines: Handle the day by ignoring all of your partners. Instead, do your taxes. It wouldn’t be VD without a little emotional scarring. |
| Asking someone to marry you is a rather cruel thing to do to someone you care about. |
| Dear RG: I have been married for almost 15 years and I hold the position that I am no longer under any obligation to partake in the Valentine’s Day silliness. My wife begs to differ, her position is that “if I loved her” I would look forward to needlessly spending money on a silly manufactured custom.Signed, NOT Obligated Dear NOT Obligated: Not that I’m necessarily taking your wife’s side, but any declaration about romantic gestures that begins with “If you loved me…” is suspect at best. And I would object if she never did sweet things for you. But, dude, you’re putting up quite a a fight against buying her something touching and heartfelt. For example, you could pick out some pictures of yourself and print them out at London Drugs. They cost about 28 cents per image. Or a nice bath mat – something you’ve always wanted. |
| Current relationship status. Made dinner for two. Ate both. |
| Dear RG: I’m single for the first time in two years. What should I do with myself on Valentine’s Day? Signed, Singles Awareness DamselDear SAD: Whatever the heck you want. You have only to face the consequences. Watch an obscure Polish silent film. Eat Guacamole dip with your bare hands. If there was ever a time to be downing cocktails and the Marvin Gaye, it’s now. Incidentally, if you are more art-inclined, I highly recommend either nude drawing or a boudoir photography session. |
| My wife and I were happy for 20 years — then we met. |
| Dear RG: My significant other claims they don’t want to celebrate Valentine’s Day.Signed, Sentimental Sam Dear Sentimental Sam: This is a trap. |
| Non-holidays come and go, but it’s the gestures we remember. Batteries not included. Happily ever after, RG |
Have you ever considered having these columns you write put together in a book? They are so good!
Sharon Butala
Happy Valentines Day to you , dear Karyn. Btw this is one of your very best blogs. Thank you.